The Joe Meek Drinking Game

Clem Cattini David John
THE

JOE MEEK

DRINKING GAME

Dave Adams Wes Sands

This game provides a way for Meek freaks to get sloshed whilst listening to their favourite music and interviews, watching Meek related videos or going through the latest Internet offerings on the TelstarWeb RealPlayer Page. In addition, it is not only a constructive way to get sloshed while learning things about Joe, his music and artists that you never realised before, but a possible way of circumventing the lack of interest in Joe Meek that your cynical friends currently exhibit.

Requirements

A selection of Joe Meek and related recordings. These should include issued and unissued music recordings and also recorded audio or video interviews or excerpts thereof with Joe or any former RGM artist from any time in the last forty years.

Players. Any number of people can play this game. Depends on how much space you've got and whether the neighbours will complain.

Alcoholic beverages in adequate quantities to complete the game. Only you can judge this based on your knowledge of the collective capacity of the players for alcohol.

Rules

Each player must consume the prescribed number of drinks whenever one of the events listed below occurs. You might want to decide in advance whether a "drink" constitutes an entire measure or just a mouthful. The winner is the last person remaining able to either stand up or have a halfway intelligible conversation.

NB: It is permissible under certain circumstances (for instance, if you're driving or taking medication) to play this game with non-alcoholic beverages. However, this does defeat the point rather; one way of getting round it would be to judge the winner to be the player clocking the least number of trips to the bathroom.

Alternative play: Each player may assume the identity of an RGM artist. Preferably one mentioned below or this won't work. When an artist-specific event occurs, only the player who has assumed the identity of that particular artist takes the drink(s). In this version you might want to opt to have one "drink" be one mouthful. Otherwise the person who chooses to be, say, John Leyton or Screaming Lord Sutch is going to be out of the game much faster than anybody else.

The Drinking Game

Joe speeds up the voice on an issued recording - one drink

Joe adds a pre-recorded sound effect to the record - two drinks

Joe adds a home-made sound effect to the record - three drinks

Joe does not speed any part of the record - drain your glass

Reference is made to Joe losing his temper - one drink

Reference is made to Joe throwing something - two drinks

Reference is made to Joe throwing something at a specific person - three drinks (four if it's your character)

Death is hinted at obliquely in a song - one drink

Death is blatantly the theme of the song - two drinks

Death is blatantly the theme of the song, and Joe wrote it - three drinks

More than four consecutive notes of "Telstar" appear in another song - two drinks

Joe uses the backing track of a previously issued recording to demo a new song - one drink (two for the first player to correctly identify the backing track)

Joe sings flat throughout a demo - one drink

Joe sings in tune throughout at least half a demo - three drinks and a round of the Hallelujah Chorus

Someone mentions Buddy Holly - one drink

Someone mentions Al Jolson - two drinks

Someone mentions Rameses The Great - three drinks

An RGM artist does an impression of Joe - one drink

An RGM artist does a really bad impression of Joe - two drinks

An RGM artist does an impression (good or bad) of Joe which includes the word "artichokes" - three drinks

An RGM recording "borrows" the melody or lyrics from another song - one drink

An RGM recording "borrows" the melody or lyrics from another RGM recording - two drinks (none if it's just a re-recording of the same song by a different artist)

An RGM artist comments "It's smaller than I remember" after visiting 304 recently - one drink (two if it's your character who says it)

An RGM artist comments "It's bigger than I remember" after visiting 304 recently - two drinks (three if it's your character who says it)

An RGM recording features the lead instrument break played on an unconventional instrument such as tubular bells or accordion - two drinks

An RGM song contains lyrics about being "up a tree" - one drink

An RGM song contains very bizarre lyrics (eg "It's as dead as the flies on the wall") - two drinks

An RGM song features an artist masquerading under a different name from the one they're normally known by - one drink

An RGM song features a double-tracked vocal, one of which is by someone other than the person credited on the label - one drink

An RGM song features a vocal which is sung totally by someone other than the person credited on the label - two drinks

An RGM recording features a spoken part - one drink if you can listen to the spoken parts without pulling a face. Finish the bottle if you can't, it'll make it easier.

An RGM recording in a foreign language in which more than half the words are intelligible - one drink

An RGM recording in a foreign language which makes sense when translated back to English - two drinks

An RGM recording in a foreign language in which at least four lines translate back to the same thing they were in English to start with - three drinks and an honorary degree for the translator

Any Wes Sands track - one drink for each of his brothers you can name, and one more each for any of their other recording pseudonyms you can remember.

Any Houston Wells - fifteen minute time out in the garden with no drinks for anyone who says "I wonder what ever happened to him?"

The Checkmates "Gotta Have A Gimmick Today" - one drink for sitting through it. Two if you can sing all the words. Three if you can also do the impressions.

Jess Conrad is mentioned - one drink and a chorus of "BOOOOOOOOO!!"

Jess Conrad is mentioned in conjunction with Heinz - two drinks and plastic surgery

Ritchie Blackmore plays on a Heinz record - one drink

Someone refers to Joe having a crush on Heinz - one drink

Heinz refers to Joe having a crush on Heinz - two drinks

Screaming Lord Sutch complains about royalty payments - one drink

Screaming Lord Sutch tells a homosexual joke - two drinks

Screaming Lord Sutch shamelessly promotes his latest book, record, TV appearance etc. - one drink

Screaming Lord Sutch forgets the words in a live recording - one drink

Screaming Lord Sutch actually screams on record - two drinks

A Screaming Lord Sutch record does not contain any sound effects - one drink

A Tornados record features an outer space or science fiction theme - one drink

A Tornados record does not feature an outer space or sci-fi theme - two drinks

A vocal Tornados track - two drinks

A vocal Tornados track featuring Clem singing - three drinks and stick your fingers in your ears until its over

Any member of The Tornados claims they hated the final mix of "Telstar" when they first heard it - one drink

Any member of The Tornados claims they thought "Globetrotter" sounded just like "Venus In Blue Jeans" - one drink

Clem Cattini claims to have played on more than 30 Number One hits - two drinks (three if the number is over 40)

Mike Berry claims he was too young to understand about Joe being gay - two drinks

Mike Berry does the Buddy Holly hiccup in an RGM produced song - one drink

Mike Berry sings at least three consecutive lines in his own voice without any Hollyisms - three drinks

Joy & Dave record(s) referred to as twee, cutesy, old fashioned or similar phrases - one drink

A Joy & Dave record contains hints of violence - two drinks

Someone says Joy & Dave records were awful - three drinks (if that person is Joy or Dave, double the quantity)

Any Joy & Dave recording during which Dave doesn't do an American accent - two drinks

The phrase "bottom of a well" is mentioned in conjunction with a John Leyton record - two drinks

John Leyton uses the words "I don't remember" or "It was a long time ago" in interview - one drink

John Leyton sings a flat note - one drink (two if the entire line is out of tune)

A pre-1963 John Leyton record does not contain any of the following words: lone, lonely, alone, sad, blue, or any reference to death, crying or being thrown over for another guy - five drinks and kiss the person sitting next to you.

Any mention of Harper's West One in conjunction with John Leyton - one drink

Any mention of Biggles in conjunction with John Leyton - two drinks

Any mention of Krakatoa East of Java in conjunction with John Leyton - drink until everyone's stopped laughing

Geoff Goddard forgets the mike is on during a solo or instro and drones along with the melody - two drinks

Geoff Goddard tries to sing like Buddy Holly - one drink

Geoff Goddard doesn't try to sing like Buddy Holly - two drinks

Geoff Goddard mentions "Have I The Right" or "Give Me The Chance" - three drinks

Any player who greets Geoff Goddard's first appearance in the game with a comment about wearing a wig must finish the bottle and forfeit the game

A Freddie Starr record contains percussion not played on any part of Freddie's body - one drink

Any mention of a relatively disruption-free Freddie Starr recording session - three drinks

Any player mentioning hamsters and Freddie Starr in the same sentence is automatically disqualified

An Outlaws record not specifically themed around the Wild West - two drinks

Bobbie Graham insists he played on "Johnny Remember Me" - one drink (two if someone else says it)

Chas Hodges gets through an interview without being bleeped at any point - three drinks

Any Honeycombs record on which all percussion is actually played on the drumkit - one drink

Any discussion about The Honeycombs lasting more than one minute which does not refer to them having a female drummer - three drinks

Glenda Collins audibly instructs a band member to take the solo - two drinks (three if she does it twice in one song)

Glenda Collins makes an obvious mistake - four drinks and a chorus of "Oh, sorry Joe!"

Andy Cavell sings a whole song without going flat - two drinks

Iain Gregory sings a whole verse without going flat - three drinks

Disclaimer

This game is not intended to incite irresponsible drinking. However, if you are going to drink irresponsibly, do it at home or at the home of a good friend where a spare bed, copious amounts of black coffee and emergency help are all easily obtainable. If you don't know by now that drinking and driving or combining alcohol with medication is totally stupid, you probably won't be able to figure out the rules to this game anyway so you won't be able to blame it on me when you end up putting yourself or someone else in hospital.

TelstarWeb - The Joe Meek Website

Meeksville - Joe Meek Archives

This drinking game was shamelessly inspired by the Homicide: Life on the Street Drinking Game.


	THE JOE MEEK DRINKING GAME
This game provides a way for Meek freaks to get sloshed whilst listening to their favourite music and interviews, watching Meek related videos or going through the latest Internet offerings on the TelstarWeb RealPlayer Page. In addition, it is not only a constructive way to get sloshed while learning things about Joe, his music and artists that you never realised before, but a possible way of circumventing the lack of interest in Joe Meek that your cynical friends currently exhibit.
Requirements
A selection of Joe Meek and related recordings. These should include issued and unissued music recordings and also recorded audio or video interviews or excerpts thereof with Joe or any former RGM artist from any time in the last forty years.
Players. Any number of people can play this game. Depends on how much space you've got and whether the neighbours will complain.
Alcoholic beverages in adequate quantities to complete the game. Only you can judge this based on your knowledge of the collective capacity of the players for alcohol.
Rules
Each player must consume the prescribed number of drinks whenever one of the events listed below occurs. You might want to decide in advance whether a "drink" constitutes an entire measure or just a mouthful. The winner is the last person remaining able to either stand up or have a halfway intelligible conversation.
NB: It is permissible under certain circumstances (for instance, if you're driving or taking medication) to play this game with non-alcoholic beverages. However, this does defeat the point rather; one way of getting round it would be to judge the winner to be the player clocking the least number of trips to the bathroom.
Alternative play: Each player may assume the identity of an RGM artist. Preferably one mentioned below or this won't work. When an artist-specific event occurs, only the player who has assumed the identity of that particular artist takes the drink(s). In this version you might want to opt to have one "drink" be one mouthful. Otherwise the person who chooses to be, say, John Leyton or Screaming Lord Sutch is going to be out of the game much faster than anybody else.
The Drinking Game
Joe speeds up the voice on an issued recording - one drink
Joe adds a pre-recorded sound effect to the record - two drinks
Joe adds a home-made sound effect to the record - three drinks
Joe does not speed any part of the record - drain your glass
Reference is made to Joe losing his temper - one drink
Reference is made to Joe throwing something - two drinks
Reference is made to Joe throwing something at a specific person - three drinks (four if it's your character)
Death is hinted at obliquely in a song - one drink
Death is blatantly the theme of the song - two drinks
Death is blatantly the theme of the song, and Joe wrote it - three drinks
More than four consecutive notes of "Telstar" appear in another song - two drinks
Joe uses the backing track of a previously issued recording to demo a new song - one drink (two for the first player to correctly identify the backing track)
Joe sings flat throughout a demo - one drink
Joe sings in tune throughout at least half a demo - three drinks and a round of the Hallelujah Chorus
Someone mentions Buddy Holly - one drink
Someone mentions Al Jolson - two drinks
Someone mentions Rameses The Great - three drinks
An RGM artist does an impression of Joe - one drink
An RGM artist does a really bad impression of Joe - two drinks
An RGM artist does an impression (good or bad) of Joe which includes the word "artichokes" - three drinks
An RGM recording "borrows" the melody or lyrics from another song - one drink
An RGM recording "borrows" the melody or lyrics from another RGM recording - two drinks (none if it's just a re-recording of the same song by a different artist)
An RGM artist comments "It's smaller than I remember" after visiting 304 recently - one drink (two if it's your character who says it)
An RGM artist comments "It's bigger than I remember" after visiting 304 recently - two drinks (three if it's your character who says it)
An RGM recording features the lead instrument break played on an unconventional instrument such as tubular bells or accordion - two drinks
An RGM song contains lyrics about being "up a tree" - one drink
An RGM song contains very bizarre lyrics (eg "It's as dead as the flies on the wall") - two drinks
An RGM song features an artist masquerading under a different name from the one they're normally known by - one drink
An RGM song features a double-tracked vocal, one of which is by someone other than the person credited on the label - one drink
An RGM song features a vocal which is sung totally by someone other than the person credited on the label - two drinks
An RGM recording features a spoken part - one drink if you can listen to the spoken parts without pulling a face. Finish the bottle if you can't, it'll make it easier.
An RGM recording in a foreign language in which more than half the words are intelligible - one drink
An RGM recording in a foreign language which makes sense when translated back to English - two drinks
An RGM recording in a foreign language in which at least four lines translate back to the same thing they were in English to start with - three drinks and an honorary degree for the translator
Any Wes Sands track - one drink for each of his brothers you can name, and one more each for any of their other recording pseudonyms you can remember.
Any Houston Wells - fifteen minute time out in the garden with no drinks for anyone who says "I wonder what ever happened to him?"
The Checkmates "Gotta Have A Gimmick Today" - one drink for sitting through it. Two if you can sing all the words. Three if you can also do the impressions.
Jess Conrad is mentioned - one drink and a chorus of "BOOOOOOOOO!!"
Jess Conrad is mentioned in conjunction with Heinz - two drinks and plastic surgery
Ritchie Blackmore plays on a Heinz record - one drink
Someone refers to Joe having a crush on Heinz - one drink
Heinz refers to Joe having a crush on Heinz - two drinks
Screaming Lord Sutch complains about royalty payments - one drink
Screaming Lord Sutch tells a homosexual joke - two drinks
Screaming Lord Sutch shamelessly promotes his latest book, record, TV appearance etc. - one drink
Screaming Lord Sutch forgets the words in a live recording - one drink
Screaming Lord Sutch actually screams on record - two drinks
A Screaming Lord Sutch record does not contain any sound effects - one drink
A Tornados record features an outer space or science fiction theme - one drink
A Tornados record does not feature an outer space or sci-fi theme - two drinks
A vocal Tornados track - two drinks
A vocal Tornados track featuring Clem singing - three drinks and stick your fingers in your ears until its over
Any member of The Tornados claims they hated the final mix of "Telstar" when they first heard it - one drink
Any member of The Tornados claims they thought "Globetrotter" sounded just like "Venus In Blue Jeans" - one drink
Clem Cattini claims to have played on more than 30 Number One hits - two drinks (three if the number is over 40)
Mike Berry claims he was too young to understand about Joe being gay - two drinks
Mike Berry does the Buddy Holly hiccup in an RGM produced song - one drink
Mike Berry sings at least three consecutive lines in his own voice without any Hollyisms - three drinks
Joy & Dave record(s) referred to as twee, cutesy, old fashioned or similar phrases - one drink
A Joy & Dave record contains hints of violence - two drinks
Someone says Joy & Dave records were awful - three drinks (if that person is Joy or Dave, double the quantity)
Any Joy & Dave recording during which Dave doesn't do an American accent - two drinks
The phrase "bottom of a well" is mentioned in conjunction with a John Leyton record - two drinks
John Leyton uses the words "I don't remember" or "It was a long time ago" in interview - one drink
John Leyton sings a flat note - one drink (two if the entire line is out of tune)
A pre-1963 John Leyton record does not contain any of the following words: lone, lonely, alone, sad, blue, or any reference to death, crying or being thrown over for another guy - five drinks and kiss the person sitting next to you.
Any mention of Harper's West One in conjunction with John Leyton - one drink
Any mention of Biggles in conjunction with John Leyton - two drinks
Any mention of Krakatoa East of Java in conjunction with John Leyton - drink until everyone's stopped laughing
Geoff Goddard forgets the mike is on during a solo or instro and drones along with the melody - two drinks
Geoff Goddard tries to sing like Buddy Holly - one drink
Geoff Goddard doesn't try to sing like Buddy Holly - two drinks
Geoff Goddard mentions "Have I The Right" or "Give Me The Chance" - three drinks
Any player who greets Geoff Goddard's first appearance in the game with a comment about wearing a wig must finish the bottle and forfeit the game
A Freddie Starr record contains percussion not played on any part of Freddie's body - one drink
Any mention of a relatively disruption-free Freddie Starr recording session - three drinks
Any player mentioning hamsters and Freddie Starr in the same sentence is automatically disqualified
An Outlaws record not specifically themed around the Wild West - two drinks
Bobbie Graham insists he played on "Johnny Remember Me" - one drink (two if someone else says it)
Chas Hodges gets through an interview without being bleeped at any point - three drinks
Any Honeycombs record on which all percussion is actually played on the drumkit - one drink
Any discussion about The Honeycombs lasting more than one minute which does not refer to them having a female drummer - three drinks
Glenda Collins audibly instructs a band member to take the solo - two drinks (three if she does it twice in one song)
Glenda Collins makes an obvious mistake - four drinks and a chorus of "Oh, sorry Joe!"
Andy Cavell sings a whole song without going flat - two drinks
Iain Gregory sings a whole verse without going flat - three drinks

Disclaimer
This game is not intended to incite irresponsible drinking. However, if you are going to drink irresponsibly, do it at home or at the home of a good friend where a spare bed, copious amounts of black coffee and emergency help are all easily obtainable. If you don't know by now that drinking and driving or combining alcohol with medication is totally stupid, you probably won't be able to figure out the rules to this game anyway so you won't be able to blame it on me when you end up putting yourself or someone else in hospital.
TelstarWeb - The Joe Meek Website		Meeksville - Joe Meek Archives
This drinking game was shamelessly inspired by the Homicide: Life on the Street Drinking Game.